What to Do If You Have Outgrown Your Partner.
The fighting never ends.
Are you having trouble sleeping at night, feeling like all you ever do is fight with your partner? Sometimes it feels like you are talking to a brick wall and that they just don’t get it. You feel like you have tried over and over again to have a talk about fixing things between the two of you, but it always backfires.
It’s always the same stuff: sex, finances, inlaws, and fairness in emotional labor. One of you ends up on the couch and then there is a competition for who can hold the longest grudge. You can help but wonder Have I outgrown this relationship; Did I outgrow my partner?
When we have issues with our relationships with our romantic partners we can really feel like it is the end of the world. It is exhausting and causes us to feel extra negative about everything else. This is a completely normal reaction to feelings of not being understood or rejected by your partner. It has to do with our basic human need to be loved and connected. Back then, it really meant life or death when not being connected meant being kicked out of the tribe. So it makes sense why it hurts so much. Relationships take work, and love is a verb, yes. AND relationships shouldn’t feel heavy ALL the time. A healthy marriage or relationship should have balance, joy, and lightness.
If you have outgrown your partner or feel like you are outgrowing them, you have really only three options.
You can stay with your partner and be miserable.
You can leave.
Or you can address issues and become close again, maybe even closer.
The last choice where you choose to explore what happened is something that we will unpack a bit more in this post. This is a hard question to think about because if you are outgrowing your partner this can create a lot of feelings of anxiety, not feeling loved, and often lots of anger and resentment.
How do you even know if you have outgrown or if you are outgrowing your partner?
17 common things people notice when they have outgrown their husband, wife, or partner
Feeling like you only talk about drama, gossip, and the lives of other people
Feeling like you don’t have deep enough conversations
Not feeling that spark you once felt
Noticing that you are extra judgy and negative about them
Feeling like you have to pretend to be someone you are not
Feeling like they just don’t get the real you anymore
Feeling like you don’t share the same interests or hobbies
Feeling like you have to over-explain to get your point across
Feeling like you don’t have “fun” in the same way
Struggling to find common ground
Struggling to see your future together
Feeling like your partner is holding you back
Having different goals for life
Feeling like you are not having good sex, enough sex, or any sex
You or your partner “stonewalling”” (where you shut each other out)
Feeling your partner doesn’t want to grow and take up space
Feeling a deep sense of resentment or anger
What are the reasons why people outgrow one another?
Reasons why people outgrow their husband, wife, or partner
They have done deep healing work in therapy
They have processed their childhood trauma and are healing their inner child wounds
They realize that this was a trauma bond and not a healthy relationship
They notice that they are just repeating the partner they did with their parents
They have experienced something life-changing
They have gone through something traumatic and are not the same anymore
They have a deeper self-awareness about what they want out of life
They discover something about their gender and sexuality
They are starting to learn about feminism and other forms of oppression and are rejecting what is no longer serving them and your partner doesn’t see the “bigger picture”
Does outgrowing your partner mean that you should leave them?
That is a tricky question to answer and it really depends. There could be a lot of reasons why someone outgrows their partner. Sometimes a conversation with your partner, and probably several conversations, can help you and your partner be on the same page again. You can grow with your partner instead of outgrowing them and then leaving them. Sometimes this can’t work and therapy, couples or individuals, can you through that transition and try to figure out what to do in your relationship if you feel like you have outgrown your partner.
If you are leaning towards trying to make it work before you make a choice to leave your partner or end your marriage there are some things to consider.
In order to grow with your husband, wife, or partner two things must happen. Your partner must want to grow with you and you both have to be willing to have the conversations to get there.
Couples therapy can really be a nice space to figure out if you have outgrown one another and how to grow back together as a couple. Couples therapy can also help you and your partner prevent outgrowing one another. It can be hard when you are the partner who has been left behind, something that people rarely have the words to express.
Sometimes something bigger is going on and going to a couples therapist that is trained in EFT therapy can help you address deep attachment wounds.
As a couples therapist who is trained in EFT therapy, I often work with couples in addressing “what they are really fighting about” by helping them ask themselves “Why does this really bother me?” These are questions that can help you and your partner address the issues that are really impacting your relationship. Therapy can help you address the fights that you have over and over again and help you learn more about why you keep having the same arguments with your partner. Having the same arguments over and over again with your partner often has to do with childhood trauma that have lead to attachment wounds. Not always but working with a trauma informed therapist who uses evidenced based therapies for trauma, like EMDR therapy, can really help you out. EMDR therapy is one of the best therapies to help address the trauma you went through, that you thought you were over. Trauma has a way of getting deep into your nervous therapy and somatic based therapies can help more than talk therapy alone.
One of you could be struggling with a trauma from childhood that keeps getting triggered unknowingly. Something that people often struggle with is a wounded inner child and seeking therapy for inner child therapy can be transformative for you life and your marriage. Or perhaps there is anxiety or depression impacting one or both of you related to work, in-laws, or existential worries.
Couples therapy intensives might be a good option if you feel like you have outgrown your partner.
Ongoing couples therapy can be really helpful, and so can intensive couple therapies where you see a therapist for longer sessions but fewer sessions. The goal of intensive couple therapy is to help you address root issues more effectively and thoroughly. This can save you money in the long run and get you back to having a happy and thriving marriage or relationship.
All couples have their ups and downs, all couples have times of feeling close and feeling like strangers. Humans are complicated and so are relationships, going to couples therapy can really help you, even for maintenance work and prevention work. Waiting till things are in crisis often means more time in therapy and more money spent on therapy. Relationships are not always going to be smooth sailing. And you do not have to try and figure it out all on your own, a trusted couples therapist can help you.
It is important to pick a therapist who can support you in couples therapy. There are different styles of couples therapists and it is important to do your research, and schedule consultation calls to ensure that you have found the right couples therapist to help you with your relationship.
Seeing a couples therapist who is trained in evidenced modalities like the Gottman Method or Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is a good thing to keep in mind.
Why is seeing a couples therapist who is trained in EFT therapy important?
EFT therapy has been scientifically proven to help couples address their issues, often in a deeper longer lasting way than other types of couples therapy. Attachment styles are something that more and more people are talking about, which is a good thing! But it is important to work with a couples therapist who knows enough about attachment and one that actually takes you through a process to help you heal attachment wounds so that you can break the cycle of repeating your unprocessed trauma and emotional hurts.
Cultural and race issues often impact couples and couples therapy can help. Especially when it comes to unpacking the “things we never talked about growing up.” As a Latina EFT couples therapist, I often bring cultural issues into the therapy room, especially with mixed-race couples, since there are often things that are getting subconsciously triggered. A common thing that gets triggered for mixed-race couples is what affection means and how rejection impacts the relationship. Therapy for interracial partnership and mixed raced marriages can really help address issues.
How to talk to your partner about going to couples therapy to address feeling like you grew apart.
It is important to approach your partner with a “soft start-up” meaning that there is no blaming here, and it is important to make sure that you are not blaming in a subconscious or passive-aggressive way. The last thing we want is for this conversation to turn into another argument that keeps you up late at night. It is very easy to communicate with your partners in a passive-aggressive and hurtful way without really realizing it, that is why going to see a couples therapist can be helpful. Something I see often is how our trauma histories and family of origin can impact how we show up in our relationships. Click here to learn more about how trauma, especially childhood trauma, can have an impact on your marriage or partnership.
Couples therapy in Fresno and all over California, since I am online, can really help you.
Going to couples therapy offers a space where a trained professional can help support both of you in seeing what is really going on in the relationship. Just because you feel like you have outgrown your relationship does not mean that the relationship is for sure over. There might be something going on, that couples therapy can help you out with.
One of the fundamental principles of EFT is the belief that marital distress often stems from unmet attachment needs. With this understanding, our therapists work collaboratively with couples to identify and address underlying emotional patterns that hinder their connection. By doing so, we strive to create a safe and secure environment where both partners can explore their vulnerabilities, needs, and fears.
Signs That You Need Couples Therapy in Fresno
Couples therapy can help you get the relationship of your dreams, saying good bye to the constant arguments. If you're residing in Fresno and wondering whether you and your partner need professional intervention from a licensed marriage and family therapist, here are some signs that indicate it might be time to consider couples therapy:
1. Communication breakdowns:
Constantly arguing, interrupting each other, or feeling unheard are all signs of communication breakdowns and couples therapy that address the root cause of your arguments can help.
2. Frequent conflicts:
Arguments can become a recurring pattern that leaves both partners feeling unheard and disconnected. Fights are a normal part of a healthy relationship, but a healthy relationship has a higher positive to negative ration of interaction. Couples therapy can assist in navigating these conflicts, enhancing conflict resolution skills, and promoting healthier ways of resolving disagreements so that you can finally stop those repetitive couples arguments.
3. Trust issues:
Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship. Trust can be compromised due to infidelity, secrecy, or betrayal, and rebuilding it can be challenging without professional guidance from a couples therapist. Couples therapy can help foster open and honest communication to rebuild trust.
4. Lack of intimacy:
Has intimacy decreased or become nonexistent in your relationship? This is super common in couples who need couples therapy, you don’t have to solve this on your own. Physical and emotional intimacy are vital aspects of a satisfying partnership and I can help you find that spark again.
5. Life transitions:
Life transitions can place strain on a relationship. Major events such as getting married, having children, or even relocating to a new city like Fresno can disrupt even the healthiest of couples relationships. Couples therapy can provide valuable support during these transitions, offering guidance and even prevention of issues becoming a bigger problem.
6. Constant negativity and resentment:
Excessive negativity can erode the foundation of your partnership and create a toxic environment. Your once best friend is now someone you can’t stand to look at. Couples therapy can facilitate a safe space for both partners to express their needs, work through unresolved issues, and encourage that foundation of friendship.
7. Loss of emotional connection:
If you and your partner feel like you are drifting apart emotionally, couples therapy can help restore the emotional connection between you.
Where to find a good couples therapist in Fresno, California
It is natural for couples to go through ups and downs, and sometimes, external help is needed to navigate those challenges. That is where our marriage counseling service in Fresno comes in, offering a highly effective approach known as Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT).
EFT is an evidence-based method that aims to create and strengthen secure emotional bonds between partners. As a skilled Fresno couples therapist, I am specially trained in EFT, ensuring that you receive the highest level of care and support.
Whether you are experiencing communication breakdowns, repetitive arguments, trust issues, or other relationship challenges, marriage counseling in Fresno with an EFT therapy approach offers a safe space for you and your partner to heal and grow together.
To begin your journey towards a more fulfilling and harmonious relationship, contact Mindfully Minding Me Therapy today. I am committed to supporting you and your partner
Are you and you partner in different states and want to go to couples therapy?
I might be able to help since I am dually licensed in California and in Arizona, meaning that I can see couples virtually for couples therapy. A couples therapist has to be a licensed therapist in the state where you are residing.
With Warmth,
Elisa Blair
Hey there, I’m Elisa Blair!
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist + Founder of Mindfully Minding Me Therapy.
My specialty is couples counseling, especially for those who are BIPOC, in interracial partnerships, 1 and 2 gens wanting to break family cycles to step into a more peaceful way of doing life. I also offer depth work with individuals, helping people rewire their nervous system because traditional talk therapy sometimes is not enough.
I work with people all over San Diego, from Little Italy to Chula Vista, to La Jolla, and really all over California since I practice 100% online therapy. That means I can see people from Los Angeles to Fresno to San Jose, and San Francisco. And all while my clients get the convenience and comfort of having therapy right in their own living room.
I work with people all over Arizona from Flagstaff to Phoenix to Tucson 100% online therapy. Since I am dually licensed, I can see people who reside in both states or find that they travel often. And all while my clients get the convenience and comfort of having therapy right in their own living room.
Check out my about page to see if we are the right fit, explore my specialties page to see if I can help you break generational patterns and step into a more peaceful life. Ready to set up a free consultation?
