How to Stop Being So Negative and Judgy All The Time.
How to be less judgy and negative is something that I have heard a lot of my clients talking about and I just felt for them, because this is something that has been part of my own personal journey too. And it is not just my clients. I think a lot of people are struggling with having little faith in humanity and feeling extra negative about a hole bunch of things. Myself included!
But there are some seriously dangerous side effects to being in a bad mood all the time. Plus at some point we need to take action and not just complain. Keep ready to learn what you can do to help you make the mindset shift to being more balanced and not so negative, that way you have the energy to actually make a difference.
I want to share what has worked for me as a Latina therapist and fellow human, plus what has worked for my clients when it comes to wanting to be less judgy. As an EMDR therapist practicing in Fresno, California, I understand how life can be a lot sometimes and it feels terrible when all we are able to see is the bad in everyone, the world, and ourselves. But there are draw backs from only being in your misery.
Negative consequences to being judgy and pessimistic.
Wasting a lot of mental energy being in a bad mood
Low self-esteem and self-worth
Struggles with sleep
Emotional eating
Emotional spending
Relationship drama and issues
Feeling lonely and depressed
Excessive worry and anxiety
Headaches and lower immunity
Less productive at work
Barely surviving and always in chaos
Here are some steps you can take right now to shift your mindset and be less negative and judgy.
Gratitude journaling
Learning about thinking errors or cognitive distortions and how this might be affecting you
Working on letting go of your inner critic and healing your inner child
Surrounding yourself with more positive and balanced people
Consider going to therapy for professional support
Gratitude journaling can help you shift your mindset into being less judgy and negative.
How does gratitude journaling work? It helps strengthen the “muscles” in your brain to be more positive and balanced. I want to invite balanced over positive thinking because we also don’t want to get into the toxic positivity trap either as this always backfires on people wanting to shift their mindset. Gratitude journaling does not have to be complicated and can be quite easy and doable! I usually suggest to my clients in my private practice in Fresno, California that they start by just doing three bullet points about what they are grateful for.
Here is an example of what a gratitude journal using the bullet point method might look like:
July 7th, 2023
The sun felt good on my face this morning when I took the dog out on a walk
My friend sending me a text made me grateful for that friendship
I did really good work with a couple in therapy today and felt confident in my work couples therapist
Protips for a gratitude journal
Add this to the end of a regular journal entry
Do it in the note section of your phone
Do this in a voice memo format
Don’t overthink it, there is no right way to a gratitude journal
Morning or night doesn’t matter, just do it constantly
Learning about thinking errors or cognitive distortions and how this might be affecting you, making you more judgy and negative.
I remember my early days as a therapist in training and being educated on “thinking eros” or more clinically” or “cognitive distortions.” Like why was this not taught to me sooner? Do you mean to tell everyone struggles with these so-called thinking traps?
My favorite is black-and-white thinking or all-or-nothing thinking. This is where you struggle to see the gray and the maybes in life. Getting very fixated on negative thinking can make it hard to look at things with a more balanced perspective which would be in that gray or maybe thinking area. In my Fresno couples therapy practice, I see this show up as “They never do…They always do…” This makes it very hard for either partner to be open and receptive when trying to resolve conflict, check out this blog on thinking errors in relationship.
Working on letting go of your inner critic and healing your inner child.
As a therapist who just loves to support people who are wanting to address their inner child wounds and healing their harsh inner critic, being able to let go is so powerful. Letting go of what is not serving you is one of the biggest steps towards being able to heal your inner childhood wounds. Therapy for inner child wounds can really help, particularly a therapist who is trained in more somatic-based therapy like EFT and EMDR therapy.
People often have inner child wounds without even realizing it. But once we do the work to connect with and heal the “little me” you will find that life becomes a whole lot easier and you will feel less judgy and negative (that inner critic will relax). Deeper therapies like EMDR can really help a person who is wanting to heal their childhood trauma.
Surrounding yourself with more positive and balanced people.
We are the people who we surround ourselves, science proves this! We can’t be happy, successful, compassionate, community giving people if that is not reflect to us by who we keep in our inner circle. This is so important and so under-talked about. There is grief when it comes to healing and growing as a person. You might find yourself outgrowing the people you use to hang out with and outgrowing the spaces you use to go to. This can be particularly painful if this also includes family members.
As a Latina therapist, I hear so many stories from my fellow BIPOC folks of the grief that comes with setting boundaries and redefining what your relationship circles look like. Wanting to be mentally healthier, therapy clients report that they no longer want to go to parties where people drink way too much and they are tired of conversations that are all gossip and drama.
Surrounding yourself with healthier people will help you be less judgy and negative. This might mean you need to cut some people out of your life or be very strategic about how you interact with them. Particularly with family members, this can be really painful. This is where therapy can really be helpful. The wonderful thing is that often when one person really changes in a family system, it has healing effects for the rest of the family, something that therapy can help you out with too!
Making healthier friends is one of the hardest things to do when you are healing. Don’t be too discouraged if you find yourself reverting back. If you are wanting to create a better life for yourself, you need to surround yourself with people who are wanting the same. Like minds attract and grow together. Finding a local yoga studio, art creation space, or hiking group in Fresno are some of my go-to resources for therapy clients.
Consider going to therapy for professional support.
There are a lot of great resources out there. Blogs from therapists, books, and great social media on mental health, relationships, and finding ways to be less negative and judgy. If you are not finding enough help from those resources, I would highly suggest looking into therapy. This can be individual therapy, couples therapy, family therapy, or group therapy in Fresno.
Remember to be patient with yourself, healing is a journey and it takes time. Be kind to yourself.
With Warmth,
Elisa Blair
Hey there, I’m Elisa Blair!
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist + Founder of Mindfully Minding Me Therapy.
My specialty is couples counseling, especially for those who are BIPOC, in interracial partnerships, 1 and 2 gens wanting to break family cycles to step into a more peaceful way of doing life. I also offer depth work with individuals, helping people rewire their nervous system because traditional talk therapy sometimes is not enough.
I work with people all over San Diego, from Little Italy to Chula Vista, to La Jolla, and really all over California since I practice 100% online therapy. That means I can see people from Los Angeles to Fresno to San Jose, and San Francisco. And all while my clients get the convenience and comfort of having therapy right in their own living room.
I work with people all over Arizona from Flagstaff to Phoenix to Tucson 100% online therapy. Since I am dually licensed, I can see people who reside in both states or find that they travel often. And all while my clients get the convenience and comfort of having therapy right in their own living room.
Check out my about page to see if we are the right fit, explore my specialties page to see if I can help you break generational patterns and step into a more peaceful life. Ready to set up a free consultation?
