Even when things are not an emergency, they feel like are. Why?

This feeling of being in a constant state of crisis is a very common experience for people. It is like a bad day but every day. Little emergencies, like not being able to find your keys or running out of coffee, to bigger ones like flat tires or getting fired. Often the emergencies are not life or death, but they do take a ton on our mental health, causing us to feel more anxious and exhausted. My name is Elisa, and I’m a licensed therapist who is a huge fan of creating a life that is peaceful, easier, and fun, it is possible! In this blog, I give helpful tools and information I have gathered as a practicing licensed marriage and family therapist who specializes in trauma, couples, and inner child wounds.

Living life in a constant state of emergency is a common reason people seek out therapy as therapy can help you cope with the current stressors, understand why this is happening, and how to create a life less stressful. Being in a constant state of anxiety about real and perceived emergencies can have serious impacts on your well-being.

Why does it feel like my life is one crisis after another?

We are emotional creatures, where feelings rule our internal world. It is just the way that humans are and there is nothing inherently bad about having feelings. When we struggle to cope with feelings, that is where therapy can help.

In therapy with my Fresno and California clients, I often explore with them why they feel like they are in a state of constant stress, anxiety, and emergencies. Sometimes it has to do with how they were raised, and exploring childhood trauma can be helpful. Sometimes it has to do with a healthy relationship with their partner, and couples therapy and relationship-focused interventions can help. Everyone is different, therefore seeking professional help is important.

How do I stop overthinking all the small stuff?

I often work with clients who are struggling with overthinking. They overthink everything and often it is the small things that they struggle with overthinking. This is common with people who struggle with perfectionism, where deep down they might not feel good enough. Therapies that I practice in Fresno like EMDR, EFT, IFS can really help a person who is struggling with imposter syndrome and overthinking the small stuff.

How do I make my life less stressful?

Believe it or not, we have a lot more choice in our lives than we think we do. Often I work with clients who feel like they are trapped in situations or relationships, but the truth is they aren’t. Your mindset is what keeps you trapped. Working on your mindset in therapy or with the help of some self-help books can really help you learn how to create a less stressful life. Imagine a life where you had beautiful and true relationships, a life of abundance, a life where stress was not the first thing that comes to mind when someone asks you how you are doing.

How do thinking errors make you feel anxious? What does my attachment style have to do with this?

Elisa, so what you are telling me is that I am thinking myself anxious. Yes, yes I am. Our brains are powerful organs that take the world around us and make it something we can comprehend (or at least try to.) And because of evolution we tend to think negatively because that is what kept us the safest, we assumed noises were bears and assumed people not wanting to talk to us was because we were outcasted from the group. But we know that today, bears are not likely to be what we heard and people don’t talk to us for lots of reasons.

This can be especially true for those who are struggling with attachment wounds and identify as anxiously attached or avoidantly attached. These two attachment styles can make it hard to create the life that you actually want. One where you know what to expect of others. One where things are less up in the air and more reliable. But that means that we have to surround ourselves with those kind of people and situations. This is where therapy can really help you with understanding your attachment style, help you heal inner child wounds, and help you create a better, less stressful relationships.

Thinking errors are often part of the reason people feel like they are in a constant state of emergency. Most of the time they really aren’t. Most of the time there is a solution. But in order to think of that solution we have to be able to calm down. We have to notice that our brain is thinking in error or that we are experiencing a cognitive distortion. The most common one I see in my couples therapy practice is assuming you know what your partner is thinking. This one often starts arguments for couples. In my Fresno couples therapy, we slow down and notice the pattern we get into. This is easier said than done, and this is why therapy can really help you if you are anxious, stressed, or worried about life all the time.

How to tell if something is really an emergency?

In therapy, we often explore things that are not really emergencies but feel like they are. I often do a series of cognitive challenges to help people see if they are thinking logically about their stressors. Sometimes I simply ask “What is the worst that can happen” and I keep asking it. And then I ask, “What are the chances of that actually happening?” Slim, the chances are slim. We know from scientific research that you are probably more likable than you think, that you are more capable than you think, and that you are more attractive than you think.

It is important to know what is really an emergency and what is more of just an annoyance. It is wasteful of your emotional energy to think everything is an emergency. We only have so much emotional energy and you owe it to yourself not to spend it only on fake emergencies and stress.

Negative effects of chronic life emergencies.

There are lots of negative effects of living a life in one emergency (real or not) after another. You increase your chances of having high blood pressure, trouble with breathing, trouble with appetite, trouble with sleep, headaches, and lots of other physical or somatic symptoms because of stress.

A life full of chronic stress and emergencies often leads to feeling anxious, depressed, and generally not satisfied with life. Life shouldn’t have to be so hard all the time. Believe it or not, your mindset can have a lot to do with it. If you shift your identity from being someone who is always stressed and tired, to someone who is reset and happy, you will start to do behaviors that embody your new identity. This is basically the magic of really good therapy. A therapist can help you look in the mirror and change your life for the better. Life is too short to be miserable.

Tips for living a more peaceful life.

Plan ahead
Don’t overbook your day
Allow other people to help you
Schedule rest periods and recovery days
Surround yourself with happy and peaceful people
Eat a well-balanced diet
Sleep well
Exercise and get your body moving
Stop assuming bad things
Stop taking things personal or internalizing them
Connect with your inner child
Declutter your space

How to navigate emergencies with my partner.

Couples often come to therapy to address different emergencies. Common ones I see in my therapy practice are: raising the kids, getting along with inlaws, money, sex, and communication issues. The biggest tip I can give to couples is to slow their conversation way down. To regulate. To slow things down, that way they are able to communicate in a more calm and curious way.

Working with your inner child can help you feel less anxious.

Often the work I do with therapy clients is helping them connect with and heal their inner child. By understanding the different parts of your internal world, you will be able to notice just how quickly you start to step into a judgemental pattern of thinking. People often struggle with a wounded inner child and harsh inner critic, and helping heal those pieces and working on internal relationships with our parts will often have a dramatic impact on our external lives.

Just like the old saying goes, you have to love yourself to love someone else. There is some truth to this statement. If you work on your self-confidence and self-esteem, you will find it easier to be vulnerable and connected in healthy and safe relationships. It just becomes easier to feel connected to other people who are healthy, and you’ll find yourself less attracted to unhealthy people. Like minds attract and healed hearts connect.

Working on your inner child in therapy can help you heal attachment wounds, stress less, and feel happier. In my Fresno therapy practice, working with couples and individuals on their inner child wounds and attachment issues, I have seen so many people learn how to create a life where they are happier and more connected. Life doesn’t have to feel like an emergency all the time.