Therapy can sometimes feel like an abstract thing. Sure, people talking about it increasingly, and some of our favorite shows have a TV therapist. But for many people therapy can still feel like such a foreign concept. This is especially true if you come from a family that doesn’t openly talk about mental health. This is often the case for Latinx people, people who grew up working class, and those from older generations. With time, the stigma of mental health is lessening and more and more people are comfortable sharing that they have gone to a therapist.

The stigma around couples therapy has also lessened as more couples see couples therapy as a place to work and build up their relationships not the last resort before divorce. The energy you bring to couples therapy really makes all the difference. I have been working with couples as a practicing couples therapist who focuses on interracial partnerships, Latinx folks, and those who have experienced childhood trauma for several years. As a Latina therapist who is in an interracial partnership, therapy for interracial partnerships and relationships is one of my favorite areas. Reaching out for therapy is hard and I hope this post gives you the information and then hopefully the courage to reach out. You deserve to have a less stressful more peaceful life and emotionally healthy relationships.

Couples therapy looks so different from not only theory and approach but even from couples therapist to couples therapist. Therapy is this weird thing that blends science and art, and every therapist has their own style. This is why calling around for the right therapist is so important. Here is my about page to help you get a feel for who I am as a human and luckily most therapist have an about me page too. Explore websites of different therapist and set up consultation calls, most therapist offer consultation calls to ensure that they can help you out. If not they might be able to offer you some referrals for someone who might be a better fit.

Couples therapy can be boiled down to three basic stages, no matter what kind of couples therapy you try out. (More on that later!)

Three basic stages of couples therapy

The couple therapy experience can be broken down into three basic phases: crisis, awareness or “the work,” and closing out. These stages are pretty similar to individual therapy. Also stages can look a little different depending on the type of couples therapy you are attending. Yes, there are different types of couples therapies. Because couples therapy is based on psychology and it is a sciences, the field is constantly changing. Therapy has come a long way and that is a good thing. Most couples therapists are trained in one of two couples therapies: Emotionally Focused Therapy and The Gottman Method. These are the two that I use with the couples I work with, because it works!

Stage one of couples therapy crisis stage: The reason for calling the therapist

A crisis is usually an affair, a big argument, an illness, a job loss, finances, sex troubles, a move… It can be a lot of different things that prompt a couple to make that call to a couples therapist. Often times a couple waits a few months (sometimes up to a year) before they call because they often try to fix the issue on their own.

I do see a trend in couples therapy where there is not really a crisis that brings the couple in. There is a growing trend in couples therapy where couples come in for premarital counseling and maintenance couples therapy. Premarital couples counseling can help a couple identify issues before they further commit to one another. It can help them learn how to communicate in a healthier way and work through how they would like to join their worlds together. It is common to talk about communication, conflict resolution, sex, finances, raising children, and blending families in premarital couples counseling.

Stage two of couples therapy: building insight, awareness, and understanding

This is often the longest stage of couples therapy. Once the “issues” has been talked about couples are often encouraged by a couples therapist to deepen their understanding of one another. Why? To prevent future issues. It would be a waste of your time and money to finish therapy with out thinking about maintenance. The goal of couples therapy is to help you and your partner learn how to be a better team.

Stage three of couples therapy: talking out loud of life dreams

The last stage of couples therapy is when you are getting ready to finish therapy. This is where you tie up loose ends and maybe you revisit conversations with a different viewpoint. By this time in couples therapy, you will most likely feel a lot safer emotionally with your partner. You will be able to be more vulnerable with your partner and be able to solve issues without getting so defensive all the time. Because of these new relationship skills, couples can now freely talk about big life dreams together. AND actually work towards them, without their own unhealed stuff getting in the way.

How long does couples therapy last?

Couples therapy on average lasts for about one year. This is assuming that you go weekly and that you are putting in the effort outside of therapy sessions. In a year's time in couples therapy, you will notice a big shift in your relationship. I have seen couples for a few sessions to help them process and make a choice and I work for couples for over well over a year, working on their defensive patterns and healing childhood trauma relationship issues.

Often couples are able to talk about hard topics without getting defensive and are able to support one another in living their best life. People rarely regret going to couples therapy. Even if the relationship doesn’t work out, that is often a blessing in disguise when it comes to couples therapy. Often our own inner child wounds become very apparent when we are in couples therapy and working with an individual therapist on inner child work can really help.

Couples therapy can be much shorter, especially if the couple has already been to couples therapy or if they have done individual therapy before. Couples therapy can be much longer, especially if there is a complex past, history of childhood trauma, and other issues that can make couples therapy more complex. It just takes longer for the couple to create that sense of true emotional security with one another.

Who shouldn’t go to couples therapy?

This is such a good question because couples therapy is not for everyone. Even if you have the time and resources to commit to couples therapy, your relationship might not be healthy enough for couples therapy. Active domestic violence can make it very hard to be in couples therapy. It can be done, but only with a highly trained couples therapist who specializes in these cases. Plus it is often recommended that each person be in individual therapy too. Another reason couples therapy would not be recommended is if one or both partners are in need of more intensive individual therapy first. Couples therapy is emotionally heavy and a person needs to have some emotional regulation skills. Working with an individual therapist first can help you prepare for \couples therapy.

Alternatives to traditional couples therapy in Fresno California

Traditional weekly couples therapy might not make sense for some people, due to traveling, finances, or busy life schedules. Luckily there are lots of great options to help you work and improve your relationship that are not couples therapy.

One alternative to couples therapy is going to a couples workshop. Some highly effective couples workshops are Hold Me Tight and The Art and Science of Love. The Hold Me Tight Workshop is from Emotionally Focused Therapy, a fantastic therapy approach for helping couples understand their dysfunctional relationship dance. This is my theory of approach when working with couples. The other one I often recommend is The Art and Science of Love which is from The Gottman Method, which is full of practical advice for couples. Honestly, if you can attend both, I would highly recommend it.

Another option is reading a book together and working through the book together. Again I would highly recommend the books from Emotionally Focused Therapy or the Gottman Method since they are both evidence-based and have been proven to really support couples in making lasting change.

How do I find a good couples therapist in Fresno California?

Probably one of the most nerve-wracking things is finding the right therapist. As a therapist who is licensed in California and Arizona, I spoken to lots of clients about the struggle to find a therapist. Not all therapists are created equally. Every therapist has different kinds of training, a different personality, and just a different style when it comes to couples therapy. And like with any other job, some therapist are not very good at their job.

That is why it is important to do your research. Call around and consult with different couples therapists. Go in for a few sessions to get a feel for their style and approach. There is no shame or harm in shopping around for a therapist. This is going to be a very close working relationship that might last up to a year or more. It is important to find the right fit for a couples therapist.

With Warmth,

Elisa Blair