7 Strategies For Healthier Conflict With Your Partner.
Here are 7 proven strategies for helping you navigate conflict with your partner.
One. Getting clear about what is actually bothering you.
Two. Working with a trauma-informed couples therapist.
Three. Remembering that you and your partner are a team.
Four. Thinking about a positive moment with your partner.
Five. Using a “Soft start-up” can help you prevent conflict with your partner.
Six. Calling a time out when the conversation is going nowhere or things get too heated.
Seven. Stopping to ask yourself: “What is the story that I am telling myself at this moment.”
Easier said than done, I know! Keep reading to hear what I tell people as a couples therapist practicing online in Arizona and California. I will break down each of the seven things I just listed for helping you navigate conflict in your relationship, in a healthier way with compassion. You deserve to feel connected and cared for in your relationships. Let me share how.
One. Get clear about what is actually bothering you.
If you are finding that you are having the same argument over and over again, odds are you aren’t really addressing the real issue. Couples therapy can help you get to the real issue.
So many times we find ourselves arguing but we are not sure what we are arguing about. Rarely is it about the dishes not being done. Instead, it is what the dishes represent. The dishes represent an uneven share of housework, power struggles between your gender roles and expectations, or resurfacing childhood wounds where you felt like everything is on your plate because you were a parentified child.
Two. Working with a trauma-informed couples therapist.
Going back the example: Fighting about the dishes represent, but really its about an uneven share of housework, power struggles between your gender roles and expectations, or resurfacing childhood wounds where you felt like everything is on your plate because you were a parentified adult- is such a common issue in my work as a couples therapist serving people in the greater Phoenix Metro Area. Rarely it is about the thing you are fighting about, and from what I see as a practicing couples therapist who specializes in mix raced partnerships and people who came from chaotic homes, the issues are often related to attachment wounds and people who are trauma responding.
Working with someone who is trained in couples therapy techniques like emotional focused therapy can help you really address what is going on, down to the root issues. As a Latina therapist, I am passionate in helping couples go to where the issues are really coming from, not giving you some communication skills as a Band Aid attempt to fix stuff that really runs deep.
Those are the examples that I choose to share because they are the examples that come up the most in my therapy practice. I often work with couples where both or at least one partner came from a chaotic childhood home. As a trauma-informed therapist, I understand how trauma can show up in sneaky ways. Trauma can affect everything from how we handle finances, resolve conflict, and have sexually fulfilling relationships. All of which can be hot topic issues for couples. This is why working with a couples therapist who is trauma-informed is so essential.
Trauma can impact our vision as to what is really going on in our relationship. This is why couples often fail to resolve their issues on their own. A skilled couples therapist can really help you and your partner solve issues and prevent them too. Prevention of conflict is the hallmark of a successful relationship. It is important to make sure that your couples therapist is also trauma informed, otherwise you are only putting Band-Aids are deeper wounds that need more attention and specialized care.
Three. Remembering that you and your partner are a team.
Conflict happens, and it is unrealistic to think that conflict will never happen between you and your partner. Instead, the goal that I try to teach couples in couples therapy is that the goals is finding ways to navigate conflict in a healthy way. When we are heated and in the moment it is hard to remember that you love the person in front of you. It is not your fault, this is simply how our brain works. A different part of the bain turns on when we sense danger. Conflict triggers the part of the brain that is responsible for fight-flight-freeze mode.
Reminding yourself that you and your partner are a team can help you switch back to the logical part of your brain, where you can then positively coach yourself through other skills and strategies that couples therapy can teach you. It is all about stopping yourself when you start to notice that you are slipping into the part of your brain that is responsible for keeping you safe from danger aka conflict with your partner.
Four. Thinking about a positive moment with your partner.
A neat trick is to think about the times when you have really felt like your partner had your back, that you felt understood by them. This can help reduce the heat in the moment. But prevention is so important, so practicing this daily can really help you build up a positive association with your partner. I have to like you to want to work through issues with you, is something I really stress that my couples embody in their relationships with one another. It is so hard to tackle the big issues without that foundation.
Our brains are really good at thinking negatively, this is especially true when we have gone through trauma. Childhood trauma teaches a person to be extra careful and to be on the defense. Which can impact a person's ability to form loving connections with their partner (and others!) Couples therapy can help you heal trauma and heal attachment wounds.
Five. Using a “Soft Start-Up” can help you prevent conflict with your partner.
When you have something to bring up with your partner, a soft startup can prevent a simple conversation from escalating into a full argument where shutting down and tears happen. A soft start-up is where you gently bring up the issue.
You slow down and ask with a nice tone and friendly vibe. Looking at your partner as being on your side, a team.
You make it about your needs. “I am overwhelmed, I need you to watch the kids while I take an hour to myself.”
You send appreciation to your partner. “Thank you for being there for me, I really need this, love you very much.”
More often than not we ask for things when we are heated, often yelling at our partner, which then puts them on the defensive. This happens, and working with a couples therapist can really help.
Six. Calling a time out when the conversation is going nowhere or things get too heated.
Time outs are an absolute must to help you and your partner calm down. Our brains get really activated in conflict, making it hard to access that logical side of our brains. We become all feelings and feel like shit. A break can help you and your partner take space and come back to the conflict with a healthier mindset.
Notice and stop yourself. “We are going in circles, we need a 30-minute break.” (Even if it seems like your partner is the one who is overwhelmed.
Be specific on time needed and when to come back. “I am going to take a walk, can we try again in 30 mins when I get back?”
Self-soothing is so important in conflict resolution with couples.. Being able to slow down, notice that we are getting heated, and to take a break can help you and your partner heal in your relationship.
Don’t feel bad if you feel like you have no idea what you are doing when it comes to conflict management in your relationship or if you are having communication issues. These are skills many of us are not taught as kids, I know I wasn’t. Growing up in a Latinx home, feelings were not openly discussed, but the tense air was definitely felt. Same for my husband who is Asian.
We can’t work on issues that we are not aware of, this is why going to couples therapy is so important.
Couples therapy can help you address lots of things!
Emotional injuries, trust issues, and affairs
Money
In-laws
Sex and intimacy issues
Communication issues
Attachment wounds
Childhood Wounds that impact your relationship
Gender Roles and Race or Culture as a factor (My specialty!)
Parenting struggles
Perinatal mental health mood and related issues (Another area I love!)
Click here to learn more about how couples therapy can help.
Seven. Stopping to ask yourself: “What is the story that I am telling myself at this moment.”
Slowing down and asking yourself this phrase “What is the story that I am telling myself at this moment.” The first time I heard this phrase was on a podcast where they were interviewing Brene Brown who said she got it from her therapist. It is gold advice though.
Our brains are constantly scanning the environment and making assumptions and interpretations. Thinking errors or cognitive distortions are so common and slowing down and asking yourself this phrase, “What is the story that I am telling myself at this moment” can help you rationalize a bit. Am I projecting? Is my trauma history being triggered? Am I assuming? And I not having the “Real” conversations. Like a conversation about emotional labor not just this one time with the dishes not being done?
Why do you keep having the same argument with your partner?
You are not alone. Nearly every couple I have ever worked with in couples therapy has a mix of solvable and unsolvable problems. Something that comes to a shocker for most couples that I work with. No couples therapy cannot help you solve all the problems. Sometimes there are no solutions. Let me further explain before you spiral into a deep anxiety tornado about your relationships.
According to Gottman Research, experts in couples therapy and a therapist style that I use often to help couples make the changes they need in their relationships, only 31% of problems within a relationship are actually solvable. That's why, figuring out if this is a solvable problem, or is this where acceptance is the key. Acceptance of your partner's “otherness” is foundational for a solid relationship. And it takes work!
Successful couples therapy sometimes means the relationship needs to end.
We can work on healing the relationship and strengthen the marriage or partnership. But this is not always the outcome of couples therapy. Sometimes there are things that you cannot live with and that is why relationships sometimes need to end for the health of both people. Going to couples therapy to have a space to process this can really support in your partner in ending the relationship with love and compassion.
It is so important to go to couples therapy before you get married.
I highly encourage people to go to couples therapy before they decide to get married to one another and even ideally before they move in together or start a family. These are big commitments and couples therapy can help you address issues and honestly affirm that this relationship is right for you.
Preventative couples therapy often means less time in therapy and less money spent. Couples that wait till there are talks about divorce are often in couples therapy for much longer and often require intensive treatment like retreats, workshops, and more time spent in couples therapy.
I am noticing a trend that more and more people are coming into couples therapy to work on their relationship before things are too late. This is really powerful because as a couples therapist, I can work with clients to address issues when they are still small and help them prevent a lot of future headaches. Preventive couples therapy can help you and your partner address issues before there are big and feel impossible to navigate.
Preventative Couples Therapy in Phoenix and all Over Phoenix With a Latina Couples Therapist
Preventive couples therapy with a trained therapist who specializes in couples therapy can help you look at your relationship and work on fine-tuning things and set you and your partner up for success. A thorough assessment and ongoing couples therapy sessions can help you and your partner understand your strengths and the areas in which the relationship needs to grow.
Working on your relationship takes a lot of hard work and working with a couples therapist can help you address issues in a more effective way than it would be if you try to figure it out on your own. A neutral third party can give you honest feedback and support your relationship in healing and growth. When working with couples, I often tell them I am not here to pick sides, but I am here for the relationship.
Couples therapy in San Diego and all Over California With a Latina Couples Therapist
Even if you are coming in for couples therapy and things are intense, proven strategies for couples therapy from a therapist who uses therapy approaches like the Gottman Method and Emotionally Focused Therapy can really help you repair your relationship. Relationships can feel good and shouldn’t feel heavy all the time, I can help you. Reach out to learn more!
With Warmth,
Elisa Blair
Hey there, I’m Elisa Blair!
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist + Founder of Mindfully Minding Me Therapy.
My specialty is couples counseling, especially for those who are BIPOC, in interracial partnerships, 1 and 2 gens wanting to break family cycles to step into a more peaceful way of doing life. I also offer depth work using EMDR Therapy with individuals, helping people rewire their nervous system because traditional talk therapy sometimes is not enough.
I work with people all over San Diego, from Little Italy to Chula Vista, to La Jolla, and really all over California since I practice 100% online therapy. That means I can see people from Los Angeles to Fresno to San Jose, and San Francisco. And all while my clients get the convenience and comfort of having therapy right in their own living room.
I work with people all over Arizona from Flagstaff to Phoenix to Tucson 100% online therapy. Since I am dually licensed, I can see people who reside in both states or find that they travel often. And all while my clients get the convenience and comfort of having therapy right in their own living room.
Check out my about page to see if we are the right fit, explore my specialties page to see if I can help you break generational patterns and step into a more peaceful life. Ready to set up a free consultation?
