A Couples Guide to Having Better Fights

Why does it always feel like we are fighting all the time?

Fighting is a normal thing that everyone does, even the healthiest of people fight sometimes. When we fight in our relationships it feels the worst. Fighting is not necessarily a bad thing. As a couples therapist, during that initial call to see if I can help, couples will often say that they want to stop fighting. I feel their pain, but the goal is to lessen the amounts of fights and to ensure fights are healthy.

Couples Therapy in Fresno Can Help You Fight Less.

In couples therapy, the goal is to learn how to communicate our needs better to our partners and to have our partners understand where we are coming from, and sometimes that means that we will get into a fight. Honestly fights in relationships can be a healthy expression of anger. In couples therapy, I often talk about the “protest” that our partner is making. And how we have to be detectives of what is underneath the “protest.” This takes work, and this is why going to couples therapy is one of the best things that you can do for your relationship. This work is hard and a lot of us come from unhealthy homes, so working with a trained professional can really help you get the relationship you deserve.

Five important things to remember when you have a fight with your partner.

You and your partner are a team. Time and time again this is something that I repeat nearly every day in my couples therapy practice. That you and your partner are a team. Often we get into these power struggles where it really feels us against them, and this is what often makes a fight unproductive. Instead, we want to think about how it is us, as a team, against the issue at hand.
Use “I statements.” It is important to be mindful of language even when you are very upset with your partner. Using I statements can help you keep from getting defensive. Coming into a conversation with a “You did this…” is almost a guarantee for a fight to break out.
Are you in your “window of tolerance?” Being in your window of tolerance is where you are neither overwhelmed, defensive, or angry. I like to think about whether am I getting really big and loud or am I getting really small and shutting down. If yes, then I know that I am not in my window of tolerance. Therefore I need to take a break to self-regulate and self-soothe.
There are multiple truths. The power of duality is being able to hold my perspective of a situation and my partner's perspective of a situation. This is what can help us have more empathy and compassion, helping us feel more connected to one another. A bad fight often leaves us feeling very alone with our feelings and reminding ourselves that there are multiple truths and it is not about who is right or wrong can go a long way is solving the issue at hand.
It is never okay to hurt our partner during a fight. Sometimes people can become really dysregulated and say or do things they wish they hadn’t. I get that. We are human, relationships are hard AND it is not okay to take out your anger with physical or verbal attacks. This is often really common if a person comes from a chaotic or abusive home, but this does not excuse the behavior. It is something that therapy can help with.

Am I Crazy? Why does fighting with someone you love hurt so much?

Fighting with someone you really care about whether it is a family, friend, or romantic partner hurts because, at the end of the day, we just want to be connected with others. Fights are the ultimate example of not being on the same page with someone and feeling totally disconnected. This can be chalked up to our evolution. We have evolved to place a huge value on social connections. That is why community is so important for our survival, not just happiness. That is why attachment theory really enforms the work that lots of couples therapists, like myself.

In attachment-focused couples therapy or emotionally-focused couples therapy, the goal is to understand the dysfunctional pattern or dance that a couple does. This is where therapy can help you break those cycles so that way you can learn how to be more connected with one another. I often tell the couples that I work with that we often are not having a real conversation and that is why we keep fighting about the same thing over and over again. This is why couples therapy is so helpful.

How often is the average amount of fighting? I feel like we fight too much.

An average amount of fighting is a really hard thing to pin down when it comes to couples. But in my experience, if you are fighting every single day, you are probably fighting too much. There is probably a lot of underlying issues, like severe underappreciation or unprocessed relationship injuries. I think that a fight once a week or once of month tends to be pretty normal, at least from what I have noticed in my private practice.

And, to be clear the goal is to have healthy fights that actually solve the issue. Where you could even start to classify a weekly fight as more of a discussion. This is what most people want to work towards when they come into couples therapy. People who are anxious, perfectionists, or struggling with a wounded inner child due to trauma often find it harder to have healthy arguments.

How do I know the difference between healthy fighting and bad fighting.

Healthy fights in a relationship look like

Taking turns, not speaking over one another
Using clear examples about what upset you, complaints
Not gaslighting or telling your partner why it is not something to be upset about
Staying curious and compassionate towards each other
Making your relationship emotionally safe to bring up issues

Bad fighting in a relationship looks like

Calling each other names
Criticizing each other
Physical attacks on your partner or surrounding areas
Using passive-aggressive communication
Shutting down a conversation instead of calling for a break in the conversation

How to talk about something serious without it becoming a fight.

In a healthy relationship, we should feel emotionally safe enough to bring up issues. We should be able to complain because complaints are healthy. Complaints help us know what our partners need from us. But how to give a complaint without is escalating into a big issue? The key is to set the stage. Come in with a soft vibe, remember that you and your partner are on the same team, and communicate what you need from them.

Why does every conversation with my partner become a big fight?

Often people complain but don’t tell their partner what they need. Do you need more affection, more help with the house, or more appreciation? Asking for what you need in a relationship is really hard and that is why couples therapy can be helpful. When we have a wounded inner child, it can make it hard to have a healthy conversation with out compromising on our needs or self.

I hate fighting, how do I stop it?

You cannot prevent fights from ever happening again in your relationship. But what you can do is learn how to communicate better and learn how to meet each other's emotional needs. This is something that is hard for a lot of people because a lot of us came from homes where feelings and needs were not something that was expressed nor accepted. Flash forward, now we are adults, feeling like we are always fighting and struggling to find real connections in our romantic relationships.

Childhood trauma and past toxic relationships make it hard to navigate conflict, and it is common for people to become “conflict-avoidant.” Learning to feel safe in your adult relationships can be scary and learning to be less defensive can sometimes feel impossible. This is why working with a couples therapist or an individual therapist who specializes in relationship issues or inner child work can really help you heal what is getting in the way of the relationships that you deserve.

Couples Therapy In Fresno Can Help Your Relationship

Fighting is often the cause of deeper issues that aren’t being address. Do not blame yourself for not being able to have a “healthy” relationship. Relationships are hard and nearly all relationships have some dysfunction in them. We are humans and humans are messy. Therapy with a therapist who is trained in couples therapy can help you address these issues and help you fight less and fight in a way that feels better. Reach out to see how therapy can help you with your relationship.

With Warmth,

Elisa Blair